The Hardest Part of This Is Leaving You
by Kat Kat B
Summary: Ryan is dying of cancer. How do he and Kelsi live through his final days? One shot, songfic based off of "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance.


Little Ryan/Kelsi thingy that I wrote cause this song's so sad. RIP Papa. I'd dedicate this to you, but you deserve more than a cruddy piece of fanfiction. Thanks to Jake for listening.

_Turn away,_

_If you could get me a drink_

Of water 'cause my lips are

_chapped and faded_

Ryan lay lifelessly on a nondescript white hospital bed, staring at the bright white ceiling. Birds chirped and twittered quite innocently outside the stereotypical white window. They were annoying, in his opinion, and if the hospital didn't prohibit firearms, he would have had a gun brought to him so he could shoot them. Their songs were too painful of reminders; they reminded him of everything he used to have, everything he used to be.

The door popped open, and the birds' silly songs seemed less perturbing as his girlfriend, his songbird, his nightingale, walked in. A smile spread across Kelsi Nielsen's face as she set her purse down. She walked over and kissed his cheek.

"Don't they ever give you anything to drink?" She muttered angrily, filling a ugly pink plastic cup with ice water. She placed it in Ryan's hand. He stared at it for a bit, then took a drink and set it on the night table. Kelsi sat attentively at Ryan's side.

"Hi." He said quietly.

"Hi," She said, talking his limp hand. He smiled feebly at her. "Where's Sharpay and your parents?"

"My mom's at work, so's my Dad, I think, and Sharpay and I had it out, so, I dunno where she is either." Ryan's face was angry for a fleeting second, and then softened. "Not enough time left to be angry at anyone, though. How's school?"

"It sucks without you." She said simply. Awkward silence filled the room for a moment.

_Call my aunt Marie_

_Help her gather all my things_

"I don't think Sharpay or my parents have touched my stuff," Ryan said slowly. "I want you to take it. I want you to have it all, Kels."

Her face stretched in horror, then collapsed in grief. "I won't be needing it, though, Ryan. You're gonna come home, and you're gonna graduate with the rest of us. It'll all be okay, just you see, and you'll be back in your room…"

He cut her off. "Kels, we all know that's not going to happen. That's why I'm in hospice. You know that. Please stop running from the truth." Her back heaved with sobs.

"I can't…I've got to keep running…I can't stop." She gulped in air like she'd never taste it again. "If I think that, if I stop running, I won't get back up."

_And bury me in all my favorite colors_

_My sisters and my brothers, still_

_I will not kiss you,_

_'Cause the hardest part of this_

_Is leaving you._

She tried very hard not to cry in front of Ryan, he didn't need to deal with her issues. He was the one who was sick, the one who was dying. She buried her head in the white hospital sheets and sobbed for a minute. She panicked when he let go of her hand, but he just placed it on her hair, stroking it gently, because that was all he capable of.

"I've always liked blue, you know," He began quietly. "That blue pinstripe shirt, the blue pants, and that fedora. I'd like to be remembered in that."

"Ryan, please stop, you're still alive…"

"Yeah, but not for long. Please, Kelsi. You're all I have left."

_Now turn away,_

_'Cause I'm awful just to see_

_'Cause all my hair's_

_abandoned all my body,_

"How can you even stand me any more? I'm not the Ryan that you met, you should know that."

"Yeah, Ryan, this cancer has changed you, but not in the way you think. You've become stronger, you've started to put things into perspective and think about stuff I wouldn't have thought of until I was thirty. You've changed, but for the better. The Ryan I met and fell in love with went from a boy to a man."

"But why do I have to die? Troy and Chad will 'become men' as you put it, and they'll get to live! Why do I have to be the one to die?" He shouted, angry tears falling from his eyes to spatter his clenched fists.

Kelsi's heart broke for Ryan. She knew she didn't have any answers. A small part of her wished that Troy or Chad was the one to die, not Ryan. "I don't know, Ryan. I just don't know, I don't know why you have to die and they get to live. I do know I would trade places with you if I could. I do know that this is irreversible." She gave a morbid chuckle. "When you first got sick, I looked up everything I could about cancer. I wanted to know if I could save you. I know why I did that now. I hated that I didn't know why. I still do."

_Oh my agony_

_Know that I will never marry,_

"Kels, listen to me. I know we both have no idea why. Maybe we should just make the most of the time we've got, y'know?"

Her voice quivered. "Yeah."

"I love you, Kelsi Nielsen. I always will, no matter where I end up after this. Just know I will always love you. When I go on, I don't want you to be miserable, drowning in your memories of me, of us. I want you to be happy. If you find someone else after I'm gone, and he makes you happy, be with him. Never, ever be unhappy on my account. If you want to get married, get married, have kids. I never will, so I want you to. Ok?"

"Ryan, I know I'll never feel the same way about somebody else the way I feel about you."

"You'll find a close second." He smiled. "Be happy, Kelsi. Be happy no matter what happens to me."

_Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo_

_But counting down the days to go._

_It just ain't livin'._

She kissed him a little harder than she should have. The emotion from the moment, the fear of losing him, and the realization she'd have to move on all melded together into a blur of pain and heartbreak. He winced and pulled away.

"They call this treatment. All it does is make me more sick. The nurses said they were going to stop the chemo soon, thank God." He kissed Kelsi gently, reminding her he was breakable and balancing on the edge of life and death like a misplaced knickknack. Their tears flowed together into a powerful river, soaking the blankets. Kelsi pulled away after a while.

"Everything ok?" He asked. She stared absently at her shoes.

"No. Everything's not ok. You're leaving, and you're not coming back. Don't you understand how much I need you?" Her voice quivered.

He brushed the tears away with the thumb of his right hand and smiled her favorite lopsided little smile. "You don't need me as much as you think you do. Remember when high school began? You were a shy, timid little girl that everyone mocked. Now, you're a beautiful, confident woman. I don't want to go. You just have to let me go."

Kelsi burst into tears. "I'm not strong enough, I'll never be strong enough to lose you."

_And I just hope you know_

_That if you say_

_Good-bye today_

_I'd ask you to be true_

C'mere." Ryan slurred the words together sloppily; he was feeling tired. He beckoned for her with his right arm, and she cautiously crawled onto the uniform hospital bed, settling into his arms. "Just don't leave me, ok? I think I'm gonna sleep for a bit."

"Ok. I'm not going anywhere. Love you."

"Love you too." His eyelids drifted shut, the long eyelashes resting on the very tops of his cheeks. Kelsi relaxed after a few minutes and fell asleep, relishing Ryan's weak, warm embrace.

_'Cause the hardest part of this_

_is leaving you..._

Kelsi Nielsen awoke four hours later. She lightly kissed Ryan's cheek, and when he did stir, she checked for breathing and a pulse to confirm her worst fear. Ryan Evans had died in his sleep, holding his one true love in his arms. She clung to his body and sobbed, weeping and wailing until the nurses pulled her away.

Miss Nielson lived the rest her life in a daze until one day, she heard a voice that nearly convinced her she was insane: the voice of Ryan Evans. He whispered in her ear lightly.

"Be happy, my love."

She awoke to find life worth living again.

_'Cause the hardest part of this_

_is leaving you.. _


End file.
